Sun & Clouds
by Squirrel33
Summary: Eddie has know Campbell for a while. He knows this happy, crazy kid. He thinks Campbell is sunny. What Eddie hasn't realised is that even the sunniest sky has storm clouds every now and then; and the brighter the sun is, the heavier the rain will be. And today is pouring. A little take of Campbell dealing with the depressive side of his disorder.


Author's Note

This is my first ever fic. I really like Takin' Over the Assylum but I always felt that Campbell's condition wasn't fully showed; he was showed either manic or in an neutral state, even the saddest moments felt a bit manic (depression would had had a different behaviour). And I needed that depressive Campbell, and since I couldn't find it, I wrote it.

English is not my fisrt language, so sorry for the spelling mistakes. Every comment is appreciated and encouraged.

* * *

Sun & Clouds

He is sunny. Smiles as if he gets pay for it, is always running around and speaks a bit too fast. He seems to be joy at its purest form. It's just that he is too much. It's his slightly frantic way of moving that gives him away. No sane person is that restless. But that's how Eddie met him. It's the only him Eddie knows and, as tiring to see he might be and sometimes downright frustrating, Eddie has to admit that he likes Campbell's energy. It's contagious. And God knows they need it in a place like this.

What Eddie hasn't realised is that even the sunniest sky has storm clouds every now and then; and the brighter the sun is, the heavier the rain will be. And today is pouring.

* * *

There is something odd in the air, which is quite common in a mental health hospital, but today it feels different. And Eddie can't put his finger on it, which bothers him to no end because his day has been bad enough as to be figuring out someone else's puzzles. But, dammit, every nerve on his body is telling him that this is going to be terribly awful. And the tense silence is making him anxious. Silence. Why is everything so silent? It's just then when it strikes him like a thunderbolt. It is unusually quiet. And the anxiety suddenly becomes fear because there is no way on earth that someplace where Campbell is can be so silent; and he didn't have a pass for today, he should be here. He must be here. What has happened to Campbell? Is he alright? It's no possible that he has been discharged, the whole bloody Glasgow would have known. Where is Campbell?

Maybe he's just busy in the station. Eddie prays that Campbell has developed the sudden ability to work quietly. It's a long shot since Campbell is as subtle as a loose bull in a china shop. God, he could bet the lad is loud even when sleeping and he wouldn't lose the bet. But he can hope. Certainly is better than the possible alternatives; and in a hospital, whichever the type, those are never good.

But the station is dark and locked. No-one is around and the fear is starting to make him nauseous. Please, don't let anything happen to Campbell. He's just a kid.

"You won't find him there. Not today at least. And probably not tomorrow."

"For God's sake! There was no need for that! You almost gave me a heart attack. What do you mean I won't find him here? Where is he? Is he alright? Has anything happened to him?"

"He's here; alive and unharmed if that's what you're asking, but he's definitely not alright. As to if something has happened to him, not really, it is just what it is."

"What do you mean it is what it is? I don't understand anything; you're not making any sense. Where is Campbell?"

"He's in his room. Has been there the whole day. He won't come out. He hasn't even get out for lunch. He's…. He's having a bad day, he's not doing well today, doesn't feel well."

"Campbell? In his room the whole day? Voluntarily? That can't be right. He has to be ill. There is no way Campbell will spent the day in his room."

"Aye, he's ill but not the way you think"

"I'm not sure I'm following you. You're really not making any sense today"

"You are aware that Campbell is ill, right? He's a patient here. He has a mental health problem"

"Aye, he's manic. It's a bit difficult to miss, the lad won't stay still."

"But he's not just manic, Eddie. He's manic depressive. You've seen him manic. And having good days. He's a lively kid by nature. But that's not all what it is. Everything that goes up must go down, and for Campbell, when it comes down, it comes fast and deep. Everything is more for Campbell. When he's manic, everything is brighter and louder and possible, and everything good, however small, is ten times better than for you and me. But when he's depressive, everything is dark and overwhelming. He has no control and everything is bad and every little thing that goes wrong in the world is his fault. And it may sound ridiculous to you, but that's how his mind works, that's how he feels. And it's not fair, but it is what it is. The only thing that we can do is to show him that we are still here for him, and we care, and make sure that he takes his drugs and eats and doesn't hurt himself."

"Hurt himself? He will hurt himself?"

"He may try."

"I didn't know. Can I see him?"

"Aye. He's in his room. He's not exactly taking visits, but he's not rejecting them either. Though the conversation may be more like a monologue. He hasn't said a world yet. When you go, can you try and get him to eat something? I'm quite sure he hasn't touch his lunch and it won't be good for him if he keeps refusing to eat. Maybe he will listen to you, I would much rather he eats voluntarily."

"Aye."

Eddie feels a bit numb as he walks towards Campbell's room. The lad is so vivid that it never crossed his mind that there might be a downside to Campbell's condition. He now just feels bad. It's not fair. The kid is not even 20 and he's already fighting. Against what, he's not sure. The world, his body, his mind, all three of them or none of them. Too much pain for someone that young. And it has been going for a while now. Eddie never thought he may feel lucky about his life, but the patients of St Jude are definitely making him reconsider his evaluation.

* * *

The room is dark when he gets there. All the blinds are shut closed and the lights are off. The door is almost closed, only a little crack left, probably they hadn't let him close it any further, afraid that he might try something and they won't notice. He can barely see a thing when he steps in, and if he hadn't been there before, he would probably have walked straight into the nightstand.

The first thing that he notices when his eyes get use to the lack of light is that Campbell is not there. His bed is empty, though is obvious he had been there for a long while, all the sheets tangled andcrumpled. The second is the lunch tray; untouched, just as Nurse Isabel said it will be. He's wondering where Campbell might had gone when he hears it. The softest little breath. At first Eddie thinks he has made it up, but then he hears it again and when he looks closer he sees it. Right in the further corner, hidden under a table, so up against the wall that it looks like he's trying to go through it. Eddie is amazed that Campbell has managed to get his tall, lanky body in there, but he's so bent over himself that Eddie can't quite distinguish his elbow from his knee. Campbell's knees are completely pressed against his chest, with his head hidden between them and his arms so tightly around them that it looks like he will fall apart if he let them go. His hair is a completely mess, as he has been running his hands through it and, Eddie notices with a flinch, tugging it. Quietly Eddie calls his name but Campbell makes no sign of hearing him, so Eddie decides to walk closely like if he would to a scared deer. When he finally reaches the table he calls Campbell's name again, and at the lack of response he decides to sit down against the opposite wall, facing Campbell. They are so close their feet are almost touching but Campbell doesn't seem to notice anything around him.

They sit quietly for so long that Eddie starts to think that Campbell might have actually fallen asleep in that weird position. He's considering getting a nurse to bring Campbell back to bed when he finally raises his head and looks up to him. Eddie was expecting tears or sadness, the "normal" thing for depression, but what he finds makes his blood run cold. Emptiness. There is nothing. Those lively, brown eyes, always shining with some kind of crazy plan are completely hollow. He's looking straight at an abyss. And it's the most frightening thing he has ever seen. He's completely unable to comprehend what it's happening. That can't be Campbell. Eddie isn't even completely sure that that can even be a living human being. Not even Agnes the catatonic looks so empty. Campbell doesn't do any other movement, just sits there, staring at him, and Eddie thinks he might not even be seeing him. Eddie calls his name again and this time Campbell finally reacts. It's the tiniest thing, just his eyes looking for the origin of the sound, but it's slightly reassuring.

For solid minute Campbell just looks blankly at him and Eddie's hopes are starting to fade when he finally seems to be coming back and recognition start to form. For the second time in the last 5 minutes Eddie feels hope. Campbell is still somewhere in there, trapped in his own mind, but he thinks he might get him out. Eddie shifts slightly and Campbell's eyes follow the movement. He seems to be finally back among the living and Eddie decides to give it a go and try and get some answers.

"Hello there, Campbell. How are you feeling? A wee bit dark in here, eh? Have you done this? Isabel told me you have been here the whole day, I didn't knew you could be more than half an hour in a place. It's almost show time, we should get moving"

The absolute silence answers him, and while Campbell doesn't seem to be drifting back into his comatose-like state, he isn't reacting in any way either. Eddie is not quite sure what to do. As good he is in radio he's not really great at one-to-one conversation. Well, not as this may be considered conversation, Francine's chats with that stray cat are more of a conversation than this. But he can't just leave. This loud kid, so out of place in here and yet so fitting, has sneaked under his skin and he can't just stand up and leave him here alone in the darkness and drowning in his own misery. He needs to do something. Only if he could figure out what. Eddie tries a new approach. And prays a little that this time it will work.

"Isabel says you are not feeling very well. Can you tell me what's happening?" More silence, but at least Campbell seems to be listening so he decides to keep going. "She said that you are sad. It's that true? Are you feeling sad? Can you tell me why? Do you know why? Has anything happened?"

There is a long, tense silence again. Everything is so quiet that Eddie can hear the rest of the patients all the way down in the common room. He considers again to just leave, but now Campbell is finally paying attention to him. He was looking at him while he spoke, and this time his eyes were actually focused on him. They still look frightening empty, but the tiniest light seems to have finally appeared. And he's starting to resemble the kid Eddie knows. He goes for a last try, and hopes this is the one because he's really running out of ideas.

"Is that your lunch up there in the table? Didn't you eat it? Why? You must be hungry; Isabel told me you didn't have breakfast either. That cannot be. You're way too tall to be skipping meals. And you're already skinny enough. If you keep like this we'll need to put rocks in your pockets so you won't fly away when the wind blows." For the first time since he entered the room Campbell's face actually reacts and the slight tug in his lips encourages Eddie. It's not exactly a smile but he will take whatever is given. "What do you think? Should we give it a go? Let's make a deal. If you eat at least half of it I will eat the rest and we'll tell the nurses you ate everything. But… don't pull out any trick, aye? You have to actually eat it.

Campbell gives him a little nod and Eddie walks to the table where the lunch tray is waiting. It really doesn't looks very tasty, and he hopes Campbell will give in and eat most of it because he's not sure he will be able to make his part of the deal. Not now that it is cold and the…. whatever that is meant to be, looks like some kind of yellowish paste. Pulling a straight face he turns around and is surprised to see that Campbell hasn't even made an attempt to get out from under the table. Eddie sighs internally, as if eating this thing wasn't bad enough it seems he'll be eating it down there. He put the tray where he was sitting and sits down with his back on the side of the bed. Despite his apparent new attentive state, Campbell's collaboration to the cause seems to have been restricted to the pseudo-conversation and isn't giving any indication that he will actually keep his word, or nod. Eddie's patience is starting to run thin and even while been fully aware that it's not Campbell's fault he's not gonna take any more of this shit.

"Look Campbell, you have to eat. You know that, I know that, everybody in here knows that. And we all know what's gonna happen if you don't. So you can either sit there staring at the tray and wait 'till the nurses come and force-feed you or you can get the fucking fork up and eat on your own. Your choice. But if you don't eat I will leave. I'm not going to sit here and see how you kill yourself. Now, what it's gonna be?"

Campbell's face is finally expressing a full emotion, and for the first time he looks like an actual living person. He sits there looking at him for a few more seconds before he finally moves. Still with a surprised expression, he unfolds himself and lean over the tray. They sit there in silence for a while, Campbell eating with resigned expression and slightly robotic movements, while Eddie looks at him with a soft glance. Eddie has already accepted that Campbell won't speak, so when he does, voice soft and slightly rough for the lack of use, Eddie thinks for a moment he is imagining it.

"Will you dedicate me a song today?"

He sounds so lost and sad that Eddie's heart breaks. Somehow the tall, nineteen year old has turn into a little boy who has being abandoned for too long and Eddie is not sure what to do with this discovery. Because, after all, Campbell is a little kid who has been abandoned. His parents put him in when they couldn't manage his condition and have threatened with leaving his care into hospital's hands. His big, brown eyes, wetted with unreleased tears of fear, are looking at him so intensely that Eddie can't do anything else but agree. Even if he's not quite sure to what.

"Aye, sure. But to do so I have to do the radio show, which means I have to leave you here. Unless you want to come with me." Campbell shakes his head violently at the suggestion, eyes even fuller with fear. "Alright, sorry, you don't have to come. Sorry. What do you want me to play for you?"

Campbell shrugs and Eddie picks up the now empty tray and stands up. Campbell doesn't follow him, but he wasn't expecting him to do so either. In a last attempt, Eddie asks Campbell if he wants to tell him why is he feeling so down today, but when he turns down after leaving the tray in the nightstand, Campbell has gone back to his initial position with his legs up to his chest and his head bury down into them, arms holding all this position into place. Eddie knows now that he won't be getting any answer from him so he gets ready to head to the station. He's already in the door when one last thought strikes him.

"Isabel said that you may try to hurt yourself, is that true?" Against his expectations Campbell looks at him and, to his utter despair, nods. "Have you done it other times in the past?" Campbell nods again and the hole in Eddie's chest grows bigger. "You won't do it this time, right?"

He knows he sounds a bit desperate but he can help it. Campbell seems to think about it for a moment. Then he surprises Eddie for a last time.

"I can't make any promises but I will try not"

With that Eddie leaves. He's not feeling better at this last revelation, but at least he knows he will try not to hurt himself, and he's aware that while not a promise, it's as good as Campbell can give him now. He heads towards the station, very late for the show. Way too late. But he has promised Campbell his song and he will give it to him. Eddie's not sure what song to choose, but despite the situation, something tells him it has to be a happy song. Something with rhythm and catchy. Nurse Isabel nods in gratitude when he passes by her. She really cares about her patients and wants the best for them.

The radio was silent that night apart for Campbell's song. There was no show. There couldn't be without Campbell. Neither was the following day.

Eddie knows now that where the sun shines, the rain will fall as well. And today is pouring. But Eddies also knows that even the worst storm has to come to an end. And when the rain stops and the wind calms down, the clouds will run away and the sun will appear again. He only has to wait.


End file.
